I feel incredibly vulnerable sharing this part of my heart but I know I am not the only Christian who has wrestled with loving God in the midst of despair. Here’s part of my story. As I stood on a bridge in Philadelphia, I looked down at the water and wept loudly. People were all around me as they were walking to work. It was a normal day for them. I called my pastor friend and somehow got the words out of my mouth. They came out without hesitation. “I hate Him. I HATE GOD!” I sobbed. I was realizing that my son was dying. I saw it in the doctor’s eyes as I ran…
-
-
Now We See Dimly
“For now, we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”I Corinthians 13:12 When faced with some of life’s hardest questions, we know that we can turn to God’s Word for answers and solace. The Bible tells us of God’s unchanging character. He is good, sovereign, loving, just, and never grows tired. But what are we to do when we don’t find clear answers to our heartaches or sufferings in life? What do we tell ourselves or others who may be in pain? As a mom of child loss, I have asked…
-
It’s STILL Mother’s Day
It’s still Mother’s Day. On this special day when you have outlived your child, it is still your day. You are still mama, mom, mum, mommy and you always will be. You are the one who aches for your baby, your child. You know all the little details of your baby. Your arms are empty but it is still Mother’s Day. Your heart is broken but it is still Mother’s Day. No one can explain why you have more days to live than your child was given. Just because you long for them doesn’t mean you are not to be celebrated today. It is still Mother’s Day. You deserve the title, mother.…
-
Signs of Grief
As we walked out of our temporary apartment just one mile from the children’s hospital, all I could do was marvel the happenings of normal life around me. We had rented this particular place to be as close to our son as possible. My husband and I were making our way once again to the cardiac intensive care unit but this walk was different from all the previous walks on this same route. We had lost our precious boy the day before to heart disease. I turned toward my husband and said, “They have no idea what we’ve just been through,” referring to the family on the sidewalk near us. Our routine walk to the hospital continued and it included going through…
-
From Loss to Adoption
“Our oldest was only nine months old when we found out that our second son, Hudson, was on the way. We were surprised in the best of ways. We started thinking about how close our boys would be growing up together and the money we could save with the hand-me-downs and shared toys. Everything changes when you find out you are pregnant. You start thinking in timelines and planning based on the arrival of this incredible bundle of joy. But, about halfway through my pregnancy, we found out that Hudson had a severe congenital heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. A few months after that diagnosis, we were told…
-
A Ministry I Never Wanted
When I was in college, I spent many hours listening to talks and reading books about giving my all for Jesus. As I listened to seasoned missionaries like Dr. Helen Roseveare and passionate pastors like Dr. John Piper, I was challenged to consider my comfort zone and flee from it for fear of passivity in the urgent call of Christ. I was deeply in love with Jesus because He had pursued me for many years as ran with all my might away from my church upbringing. As my heart softened to Jesus in college, I began to desire to live a life that honored Him. I started considering where God would use me. I…
