“Our oldest was only nine months old when we found out that our second son, Hudson, was on the way. We were surprised in the best of ways. We started thinking about how close our boys would be growing up together and the money we could save with the hand-me-downs and shared toys. Everything changes when you find out you are pregnant. You start thinking in timelines and planning based on the arrival of this incredible bundle of joy.
But, about halfway through my pregnancy, we found out that Hudson had a severe congenital heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. A few months after that diagnosis, we were told that he had several other complications and that our best bet for his survival was an immediate move from North Carolina to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. So, in a whirlwind, we dropped everything, including a full-time job, and moved.
We were in Philadelphia for nine months where we welcomed our precious second born, and we also lost him after many surgeries and a strong fight. I feel incredibly honored to be Hudson’s mom and the experience of loving him has forever changed who I am. I experience his absence all of the time, whether in big moments or in small ones. I see where he belongs at the dinner table and in the backseat next to his brother. I miss out on buying gifts for his birthday and Christmas. Tears come easily and regularly and sometimes I just have to take the day to grieve my precious, strong heart warrior.
As my husband and I have worked through and faced our devastating grief, we talked about growing our family again. We both remembered conversations we had during our dating and engagement about hopes for our future. One of our dreams was to have biological children, and also to adopt children. We would say to one another, “Have two. Adopt two.”
We are now pursuing adoption to grow our family. We have completed all of the many requirements to be approved for our home study and by our agency. We have been waiting over a year to be matched with our forever child. We will continue to wait for THE phone call that says we are matched with
There are many roads to motherhood. I married in my mid-thirties and honestly, in my single years, I had moments where I wondered if I would have the opportunity to become a mom. But, I certainly never, ever dreamed that I would be a mom of loss. No one wants that title. With God’s grace, I will always be juggling the deep emotions of loving my first-born son, grieving the loss of my second born son, and the exciting anticipation of becoming a mom again through adoption.”
This article was originally published on an incredible site for moms and women who long to be moms. Check it out here.
